My Fellow American,
I’m an unaccomplished lawyer from Arkansas, married to a former popular U.S. president who has cheated on me throughout our marriage, with my full knowledge. I later became a U.S. senator because of my relationship to that president and, again, accomplished nothing, only to run for president in 2008 based only on my experience as a tolerant wife and token senator. I was beaten for the highest elected office in the nation by an entirely unqualified man who holds has the same leftist beliefs as I, but hates the United States even more. Subsequently, I served as his secretary of state for much of his first term, where, yet again, I accomplished less than nothing — unless, of course, you count other the frequent flyer miles at taxpayer expense and pressing an imaginary “reset button” that accomplished even less than the rest of my career in so-called public service. As an aside, the Secret Service agents assigned to protect me found me so abrasive and dismissive that they considered it “punishment” to be assigned to me.
For these reasons, I believe I should be the next president of the United States.
Hillary Rodham Clinton